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Can Gaslighting Be Unintentional?
Emma and David have been married for a year. Emma has been feeling increasingly frustrated with David’s behavior, but she’s not sure how to talk to him about it. One day, she confronts him about a recent incident that upset her.
Emma: “I didn’t appreciate the way you talked to me in front of our friends last night. It was embarrassing and disrespectful.”
David: “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I didn’t say anything wrong.”
Emma: “Yes, you did. You made a comment about my cooking that was rude and uncalled for.”
David: “I was just joking. You’re being too sensitive. Can’t you take a joke?”
Emma: “It wasn’t funny. It hurt my feelings, and I don’t want you to talk to me like that.”
David: “You’re blowing this out of proportion. I can’t believe you’re making such a big deal out of nothing.”
In this scenario, David is unintentionally gaslighting Emma by minimizing her feelings and making her question her own judgment. By dismissing her concerns as “sensitivity” and implying that she is overreacting, he is manipulating her into thinking that her reactions are unjustified and that she is being unreasonable. This can cause Emma to feel invalidated, confused, and ashamed, and ultimately damage her trust and intimacy with David.
Yes, gaslighting can be unintentional. It may be because of the reason that you are extra sensitive or tend to overthink.
Sometimes, you may perceive non-existent things. Maybe you feel that your partner is cheating on you, although it is not the case and he is just being friendly with your neighbor.
But as you repeatedly say this, at one point, your partner will start believing the same. You can have a sigh of relief, as this trait can be undone by seeking professional help.
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Although it is unintentional- the harmful impacts it causes are more or less the same as the one that is done intentionally. They are toxic, debilitating, and harmful in the long term.
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What Is Gaslighting Anyway?
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Gaslighting is when people manipulate the version of reality, making others feel that they are being forgetful. By doing so, the mission of making the person weak and lost is achieved.
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It is often thought that gaslighters do it all purposefully, because of being narcissistic and emotional abusers, but it can be another way around as well. When the gaslighter is doing it unknowingly.
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Whatever the case may be, gaslighting can lead to shaking the self-confidence and self-esteem of a person to such an extent that he feels totally disempowered.
Signs Of Unintentional Gaslighting
1. A gaslighter lies all the way
Liar liar, pants on fire
(That too of a gaslighter)
A person who gaslights is a habitual liar. He does so as a narrow escape from uneventful situations and incidents.
This makes the other person doubt his own self, that whatever he found right is actually wrong, or that he is imagining things.
2. Not up for post-argument/fights discussion
A gaslighter takes fights with his friend/partner/colleague very casually. He does not want to apologize, acknowledge or discuss it although the other person wants to sit and sensibly go through the events to find a way out.Â
3. If you have a different opinion, the gaslighter makes you feel that you are wrong
Every person thinks differently. Sometimes a person clicks with a person at some point and opposes the other. It is quite natural to have a different thought process.
This is how we all are made. But things start taking a toll on a person’s mental health when he is constantly wronged by the gaslighter.
A gaslighter takes each and every chance to criticize or oppose others, either face-to-face or through social media.
Deep down, he feels happy after intimidating others.
Unintentional gaslighters are mostly a product of a gaslighting parent or both parents. As a result, these people take it as a normal thing. As they have seen, it happening all along their life.
A gaslighting person can seek help only if he seeks it and accepts that it is not a normal thing to live with.
How To Heal From Unintentional Gaslighting?Â
Be it unintentional or intentional, gaslighting traumatize you for life. You can get out of the trauma through your strong willpower.
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Things that you can do to cope and heal yourself from gaslighting are as follows:
1. Gear up your decisive power
Gaslighter would have made you incapable of taking your own decisions. Take small baby steps. Start making small decisions. Then up your game and go for bigger decisions. Be confident while taking decisions. Do not doubt yourself.
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2. Sadness is natural
If you sometimes get overwhelmed while trying to neutralize the effects of being gaslighted. Then remember that grief and sadness are quite natural. Remember, time is the best healer. You will not feel the same throughout.
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Whether you were gaslit at home, school, college, work, friends gathering, or parties- it is quite normal to get flashbacks of that despicable time and to sulk. Mourn it off.
3. Heart-to-heart will do wonders
Pour your heart out in front of family and friends. Whatever you went through and how you felt deep down due to gas lighters, it needs to be said!
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You will feel very light-hearted after this exercise.
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4. Self-love FTW
Love yourself the way you are, but do not go overboard. At the same time, remember that nobody is perfect!
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You do not need any approval from the gaslighters. Shrug their opinion off!
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5. Start a journal to deal with unintentional gaslighting
To get your own identity back, start writing everything you felt after an interaction with a gaslighter in a journal. Meanwhile, be kind and compassionate to yourself. It is better not to focus on what is right or wrong.
How to save your relationship from being gaslit?
Here we are going to discuss how you can save your relationship that is at stake because of unintentional gaslighting.
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Your starting point is to know whether you are a victim of gaslighting or not in the first place. If your partner’s opinion always matters the most than yours, then it is a classic case of being gaslit.
- As now you know where you are standing, discuss things with your partner. Tell him/her how you feel and have a differing point of view. And this is nothing to have a conflict on. Empathy is the key to a healthy relationship.
- Gaslighting is NOT the same as a conflict that is quite normal in a relationship. Rather, it is like a slow poison that is killing the other person with time.
- Discuss everything and lay it out on the table. Meanwhile, remember not to shame or take the other person along a guilt trip. Accusing and shaming the gaslighter will only worsen the situation. Gently, discuss the gaslighter to change his behavior.
- Work on your communication skills.
- Do not let yourself down. You do not need any validation from your partner or anyone else. Build up your confidence. Get back on your feet.
- Help yourself and the gaslighter in seeking professional help or a couple relationship coach. External help makes quite a difference.
If, after doing all these things, nothing happens, then it is better to walk off with dignity and your sanity intact.
Take away
Get to know what gaslighting is, whether you are the victim or the perpetrator, and how to cope with the harm it has done to you mentally.
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Never believe what you hear from the gaslighter. He is there just to demotivate. Never question your capabilities. You are good and you shall know it! No need for validations from some other person.
You can always seek professional therapy to heal your ‘gaslit’ wounds.
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